The Postpartum Relationship Toolkit

Habits that keep your relationship strong in the newborn trenches:

The early postpartum weeks bring real change with new rhythms, new responsibilities, and a relationship that's adapting to a totally new dynamic. Sleep deprivation, feeding challenges, hormonal fluctuations, and the shift in identity that comes with becoming a parent can all create moments of tension. Having the right tools in place can make the difference between thriving through this transition together vs. breaking under pressure.

For years, I've been preparing doula clients for the postpartum phase long before I had my own experience with it. Coming up on a year postpartum myself now, I can tell you that my husband and I came out the other side stronger then we've ever been before.

None of that happened by luck, it happened because we had tools to keep leaning toward each other instead of pulling away.

Here's my updated list of tips, now that we've made it out the other side

better than ever:

Communicate openly: Share your feelings with your partner, both positive and negative. Be honest about your needs and concerns, listen actively and hold space for each other's feelings, and most importantly, try not to take things personally. Give space for your partners input, and evaluate what can shift. Give vocal praise and appreciation to each other’s efforts. But for heaven's sake, table the 3am debate for daylight!

Squeeze It In: We all know it can be a challenge to find time for each other in the newborn trenches. But even just a few seconds of intentional intimacy will help maintain your sense of closeness. Make a game out of sneaking-in snuggles, long hugs, forehead kisses, and little tush squeeze. Get creative and keep it cute!

Tap Out: Parenting can be mentally exhausting, so it's important to share the load. Find frequent opportunities to give your partner a mental break by letting them fully "tap out” for a designated amount of time. Knowing that they don’t have to respond to baby’s cries, gives their nervous system some much needed space to reset.

Seek support: Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Reach out to family and friends with specific requests. They want to help but often don’t know how. They aren't mind-readers after all, and may err on the side of giving you space. So if you need someone to come fold laundry and empty the dishwasher? Ask! Need someone to feed the baby while you shower or answer e-mails, ask! If you don’t have a village nearby, consider hiring professional support if you’re able.

Co-parent: Share responsibilities. Discuss and come up with solutions on parenting matters together, such as sleep and feeding schedules, childcare, soothing approaches etc., rather than relying on one parent to research and implement these choices. By establishing these co- parenting approaches early on, they’ll become part of your childrearing habits as you navigate parenthood as balanced teammates.

Laugh Often: Choose to let sleep deprivation lead to loopy silliness instead of snappiness. Laugh at your own and each other’s mistakes. Be present in the little moments of ridiculous chaos, and remember you’re in these fleeting moments together.

Partnership Check-In Prompts:

Find some kind of marker for consistent check-ins. We found ourselves pulling up this list of prompts every time we drove to the pediatrician's office.

Choose 3-4 Prompts:

• What is something I’ve done lately that made you feel loved?

• Is there something I can do to help you feel more supported?

• Do you feel there is anything we need to improve in our relationship?

• When was the last time I hurt your feelings and you decided not to say anything?

• Is there anything about parenting that we’re not seeing eye-to-eye on?

• Is there something we need to adjust to make the home run more smoothly?

• Have you been experiencing any emotions you would like to share with me?

• What are some things that we've been doing well as a team?

If there's one thing I want you to take from our story, it's that the newborn trenches don't have to pull you apart. They can pull you closer, if you let them. So have patience and grace with each other, be intentional. And keep choosing each other, even on the hardest days, because you will sleep again, and this season, exhausting as it is, is building something worth waking up for. You've got this!!

by Rachel Fisher, founder of The Seeded Soul